Monday, August 25, 2014

I Came, I Messed Up, I Learned! #imdone

I am far from perfect. I have done a lot in my life that I am not proud of. But with age comes wisdom. I have come up short in a lot of areas, even in my friendships. In the end I have learned from the past and have made strides to make up for my wrong, for my missteps, my lies, my faults. And by the grace of God I have emerged a better person. I had a conversation with my brother-in-law yesterday that made so much sense. He said, "We all mess up. Owning your mess and getting up from it is what shows our growth", I will be forty in a couple of years and that conversation allowed for a cathartic and epiphanic moment where this is what I took from it...

I cannot change how anyone feels about me. Especially if I do not know what I did to incite their disdain. If I leave here tomorrow there are people who will care and there are those who will not. No matter what you do for someone they still will find a reason to dislike you. Everyone does not what to see you win. Happiness is not dependent on other people but dependent on how you let other effect you.


So in the end ... I live today for me and if I am blessed to see tomorrow, I’ll live tomorrow for me also. My God will handle the rest. #imdone

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Hold on to those Who hold on to You!

Some things just do not need to be said! Most do not deserve a response. And then there are those that do not deserve repeating.

We all have that person in our lives that we tell everything to and then there are those that we know we cannot tell anything to. The older I get the more I learn that there are just some things that do not need to be said or repeated.

I am no longer 17 or 20 or even 35 years old... so why put energy into what he or she said about you? I am a pretty good judge of character and I can say that I know who I can trust with what information and those who are simply smiling in my face. I know those who sit in closed doors and talk about me like a dog and then tell people that I suck at what I do and then tell me to my face that I am great at what I do. I am not oblivious. But these are the people you pray for and allow God to work on them. God said He would make your enemies your footstools. So just wait on Him to intervene.

Now that I am almost 40 (2.5 years to go) I can count those I truly trust on ONE hand and I still have fingers left. Sad but true. So when I hear songs like "No New Friends" I have to laugh because without my New Friends, I might not have any friends at all.

So after 30 something years of interacting with the world I can say that I have made some substantial connections. I know a lot of people. However I do not call all of those people friend. There are that group that have transcended the friend stage and have become like family (F.A.M) and the know who they are and they have always treated me in kind.

So in the end the lesson I have learned and I now pass on to others is that everyone who enters your life is not meant to stay. Not everyone who enters your life is meant to be called friend. There are those who you just hangout with and there are those who you travel with. Then there are those you know will be there when you fall, when you fail, and your forget! The last group is the group you hold on to!

\/ out

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Chasing Life

What if you had lost your father and had to deal with a troubled sister, a young grandmother,and a mother who was failing at keeping it all together. Oh yeah on top of all that you just found out that you have Cancer. This is the premise for the new show Chasing Life, on ABC Family. Today I watched the sneak peek of the show and it made me think....what am I doing with my life?

There is so much that I want to do in the life and as I watched this show about a 24 year old woman I stay still and introspective as a 30 something woman who has not done what she wanted to do in life because she has been taking care of everyone else and has allowed life to pass her by. So now in the later part of her 30s she is trying to make sure that she lives the life that God has made available to her.

That book I want to write is within my power to write.
That trip that I want to take is within my power to take.
That man that I want is within my power to have.
That happiness that I deserve is within my power to have.
BUT HOW...and WHEN...will this process start????

Well the answer is now. I am going to start Chasing Life. In some ways I have already started and I will continue making decisions for MY well being. So in the event that I die tomorrow... I can say that I lived my life. Life is definitely worth chasing and it was made for living.

There is something in life that should make all of us want to chase it!
If you cannot think of anything you might want to rethink how you are living. You are definitely missing out!

\/out

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Friendship Is A Two Way Street

Friendship has always been important to me. As an Air force Brat I cherish my connections with those who I call friend. Those connections were fractured by the inevitable move that loomed on the horizon. Because of that I made sure to enjoy the moments that I shared with those I call friend. And I still do.

Now in my late 30's I see that most do not understand what true friendship is about. I was taught that you are to be the friend to others that you want them to be to you. Well that is what I have always done. But apparently that is not what everyone else believes.

Today's definition of friendship revolves around what someone else can do for you. What happened to someone who has your back, someone who is there to listen, someone who tells you truth even when you don't want to hear it, but does so in away that is not harmful to you. Someone who calls when you are down, is there when things are good as well as when they are bad. Does that even exist anymore? What you do for someone should never be the bases for your friendship.  However this is the trend I am noticing.

No one is perfect but I have always tried to be a good friend. Have I fallen short, yes! I am human. The more and more I look at my relationships the more and more I see that this people do not truly know me or care to know me and that hurts. Here is a good example.

About a year ago I found out that I have Keratoconus which is a degenerative eye disease. I told someone I consider one of my best friends and I was met with, "Oh okay". Not one bit of concern. When I got the information I was scared because I will loose my sight so I have to be placed on a Cornea Transplant Donor list. And I received not one bit of concern. Where do they do that at?

Where are those people who believe that friendship is something to cherish? Where are those who believe that true connections are to be fortified by mutual concern, mutual connection, mutual respect, and love. I guess that kind of friendship is a thing of the past!

I truly treasure those I can call on, the list is VERY small! Love you guys for loving me...

Everyone needs human contact and what better form of this is there than that of friendship?

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Sitting Alone Thinking!

Everything has a time and a place. When you stop and think about where you are in life, there is a reason for that. You may not understand it but there is still a reason. So embrace it.

Today I am sitting at Bare Bulb Coffee House listening to some CeCe Winans and drinking a hot chocolate. I am content with where I am. Today and in life.

The last two weeks have been trying and at the same time eye opening. Have you every just looked up and asked God..."what is it that you are trying to tell me?" Well that has been my last two weeks. I have been unable to sleep and unable to function during the day. I have been physically present at work but not mentally present. I have struggled when I got home to do anything but lay down. But here is the kicker. I would lay down but would not sleep. So I laid down to marinate in my own thoughts and this is not always a good thing. My mind seems to work overtime about things that I have no control over so I placed my ear buds in my ears and listened to Daley and Jarle Bernhoft trying to keep my mind from wandering but no suck luck!

So then after 72 hours of not being able to sleep and struggling for those days; I have a conversation with a coworker who asked me what did I think God was trying to tell me and all I could say was, "I do not know and I haven't asked either". So I sat there for a minute asking myself what would He be trying to tell me. What am I doing that would be something that He would look down on or frown upon. I speak to God every night and I have noticed that my prayers are the same and though I am sincere I still feel as though I am going through the motions. I know that God knows my heart but that doesn't mean that I am doing what He wants me to do. I have asked Him to order my steps but I've felt like I am still in the same place now as I was before I asked this of Him. So what have I learned?

Well the day before yesterday I literally felt like the walls of my apartment were closing in on me. I looked up and asked out loud, "God what is it I am not learning and what is it that you want me to know". And in that still and quiet moment... a weight was lifted. Not sure how to explain it but I can truly say that I feel lighter. I was able to sleep that night and got a whole 8 hours sleep (something I rarely ever get) and now two days later I still in a coffee shop drinking a hot chocolate and feeling lighter and truly focused and blessed, I am still not sure what God has in store for me but I am sure that He is preparing me for something great.

I am forever a work in progress and sitting here listening to Pandora I know that God has a plan for me and I ready to receive whatever it is that he has for me. I am open to being used by Him. I have tried it my way and that has gotten me nowhere. So I'm giving it to Him.


Note
Five months since my last post and a lot has happened but I am still here and I will do better!


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Now He Wants To Speak

Today I went to out for a drink…well really for some good music. I put on some tight black pants, a form fitting sweater and some black boots and went out to enjoy some time by myself.

I sat down and the bartender came to give me a hug. Before you ask, the bartender is my friend Chris. So after I get a nice Martini I take a sit at my table. I wouldn’t call myself a regular but I know a few people in the space.

I get a few looks as I make my way to my seat and it is always nice to know that you are still attractive to the male gender. The band started playing a nice jazz melody and I take it all in.

Chris bring me a drink and said, “hey there is a dude at the bar who wanted you to have this”. Chris brought me an Amaretto Sour, my favorite. Few people know about my preference so whoever sent the drink had to know me. Chris said the guy said he knew me but hadn’t seen me in years. Just so you know... I know a lot of people. But call only a few of them friend. And I don’t break bread with people I do not like or consider friends. So whoever this was had to know me well. I told Chris to tell him thank you and I continued to enjoy the music.

About ten minutes passed and a man approached my table. When I looked up I felt a wave of anger roll over me.

For you to understand this I would have to give you a little background. About 22 years ago I met this guy through my brother named *Alex. Well Alex and I became very close. I mean we hung out everyday, talked books, music, and future plans. We went to college and lost touch. Then reunited when he dropped out of school and came home. I used to come home from college and hangout with him at his apartment. We had a strange yet very strong connection that could have been seen as an attraction. We had one thing that we never did. We never left each other without giving the other a hug. It was our thing.

So one weekend I came home and stopped by the apartment and a girl answered the door. I asked if Alex was there and he came out of the room. When he saw me he looked surprised and his gaze shot to the floor. The girl who answered the door said, “Baby you have a visitor”. He asked me in and introduced me to his girlfriend *Michelle. I sat on the couch thinking, “I can’t be mad, we were never dating, we are just friends”. After about 30 minutes of Michelle marking her territory with every statement. I told Michelle it was nice to meet her and I exited stage left. He followed me out to the car and spun me around and said, “I am so sorry”. My reply was a simple, “be happy”. I got in my car and drove to my parents house. It was the first time in all the time we had known each other that we had left each other without giving the other a hug.

I didn’t speak or hear from Alex again for almost 9 years when he and his daughter showed up at my brothers house. He entered the house and walked to me and gave me a hug just like no time had passed. It was a nice feeling. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. And we did, sporadically.

Fast forward 5 years later. Alex is married and I am engaged. Neither of us is happy and Facebook makes it easy for us to connect daily. So we start talking about any and everything; just like we had done in the earlier years. He told about his marriage and how it was something he never should have done and I told him that my fiancee was not going to marry me yet I was staying like a fool (that is a story for another blog). Then he said three things that changed everything…. (1) he was moving back to town and (2) he was in love with me, had always been and wanted to see where it could go when he came home, oh yeah (3) he was getting a divorce. Oh yeah...just to let you know my fiancee and I were just roommates by this point!

So fast forward a year and a lot of conversations via Facebook and phone where he professes his love for me, tells me that he was always attracted to me but never knew how to approach the subject or if he wanted to risk our connection and friendship. This all lead up to the day he walked into my brother’s apartment, past everyone, straight to my arms and plants a long sweet kiss on me.

Usually this would be the part where I tell you that we had a great night that lead to us failing deeper in love and living happily ever after…..NOT!!!! I could tell you that but I would be lying. What actually happened was that after that night I helped him move, helped him get his divorce finalized and help him get joint custody of his daughter than one day he said, “I’ll call you on Sunday so we can go to dinner”….. I hadn’t heard from him since, until this moment. It had been about three years since that statement and now he stood before me….with a wedding ring on his finger. REALLY?????

“Can I sit down”, he asked. “Why?”, I responded.
“I just want to talk to you”, he stated. “Why?”, I responded again.
“I want to apologize”, he replied, “Why?”, I responded one more time.
He sat.

He dropped his head and explained that he was a coward and was ashamed of how he used me as a rebound to get through what was going on with he and Michelle. He explained, “I have always been attracted to you and wanted to come home to that comfort and how you always took care of me. But when I got here and finally got the divorce I just wanted to be unattached and I didn’t know how to tell you that without feeling like I had led you on, so I just didn’t say anything”. I sat sipping on the drink he had sent me lamenting on what I was going to say when he was finished and thinking at the same time, “damn this man is sexy”. He went on for fifteen minutes about how he was now married to a great woman and that he missed me as a friend. After he finished his spill he asked if I had any questions or wanted to say anything. I responded by saying, “be happy” and turned to be continue to listen to the music.

He asked me to look at him and he continued, “I just want us to be friends and I know that it might take some time for you to forgive me but I am willing to wait”. I finished my drink and looked him in those beautiful light brown eyes and said, “We are not friends. Friends don’t do to each other what you did to me. I was apparently disposable in your life and that is okay. I pray that you are happy and that everything continues to fall into place. But all I can wish you is happiness and a great life; but I will not be a part of it. You saw to that”. I then got up to walk away. He got up and grabbed my arm and said, “I am so sorry”. I looked at him and said, “Yes you are, have a good life”. I broke the hold and walked toward to bar. 

When I got to the bar I asked Chris, “is he gone?” Chris confirmed that he was. I told Chris the story of who Alex was to me. His response was, “oh now you want to speak? I think not”. My sentiments exactly Chris.

Funny how life works out sometimes. But you can only play the fool for so long before you just let those who keep you in that space, go. Alex and I have some serious history and I will cherish the moments we have that are ours and ours alone. But that is where it ends.

The music fade out as I walked to my car, Sentimental Mood, plays….how apropos…one of our favorite song.


THE ALEX CHAPTER IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED!

*Name was changed

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

December

The End & The Beginning....

I have always those loved the month of December.

When I was growing up my grandmother (special hello to Glory T, my Nana) would always tell me that December was the month of Reflection and Renewal. I truly did not understand that until I was about 20 years old.

December is the month that you are offered the opportunity to look back at the other eleven and see what you have learned and what you still haven’t quite grasped yet. Hopefully you will make the necessary adjustments so that the next year you are making progress not still standing where you are now.

I have never really made New Years Resolutions but I have made Necessary Changes Lists (NCL). This year was no different and again I have fallen short of a lot of what was on my list. I am proud that I accomplished some of my goals. So in the next year I have some things I need to tweek and other things I just need to do. Procrastination is the enemy of accomplishment and I have allowed Mr. Procras (yeah that is procrastination’s name) to derail Ms. Success, just like a man! *laughing* no seriously, I have and will do better.

So as this year comes to an end I will do what my Nana always tells me, “Take what is good in this year and apply it to the next. Take what did not work and change it. And those things that could have worked had you actually attempted them… Go for it!”.

So I own my mistakes…

So I recognize my faults, flaws, and failures…

So I celebrate my accomplishments…

So I pray for guidance…

So I ask for understanding…

So I am thankful for my blessings (Family, Friends, Health & Wealth)

So I go into 2014 with anticipation, with old and new goals and with the determination to make the best of every day that the Lord blesses me. Drafting my NCL in my head as I am typing this.

How will you exit this year and enter 2014….how will you end and begin again????

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!