Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Now He Wants To Speak

Today I went to out for a drink…well really for some good music. I put on some tight black pants, a form fitting sweater and some black boots and went out to enjoy some time by myself.

I sat down and the bartender came to give me a hug. Before you ask, the bartender is my friend Chris. So after I get a nice Martini I take a sit at my table. I wouldn’t call myself a regular but I know a few people in the space.

I get a few looks as I make my way to my seat and it is always nice to know that you are still attractive to the male gender. The band started playing a nice jazz melody and I take it all in.

Chris bring me a drink and said, “hey there is a dude at the bar who wanted you to have this”. Chris brought me an Amaretto Sour, my favorite. Few people know about my preference so whoever sent the drink had to know me. Chris said the guy said he knew me but hadn’t seen me in years. Just so you know... I know a lot of people. But call only a few of them friend. And I don’t break bread with people I do not like or consider friends. So whoever this was had to know me well. I told Chris to tell him thank you and I continued to enjoy the music.

About ten minutes passed and a man approached my table. When I looked up I felt a wave of anger roll over me.

For you to understand this I would have to give you a little background. About 22 years ago I met this guy through my brother named *Alex. Well Alex and I became very close. I mean we hung out everyday, talked books, music, and future plans. We went to college and lost touch. Then reunited when he dropped out of school and came home. I used to come home from college and hangout with him at his apartment. We had a strange yet very strong connection that could have been seen as an attraction. We had one thing that we never did. We never left each other without giving the other a hug. It was our thing.

So one weekend I came home and stopped by the apartment and a girl answered the door. I asked if Alex was there and he came out of the room. When he saw me he looked surprised and his gaze shot to the floor. The girl who answered the door said, “Baby you have a visitor”. He asked me in and introduced me to his girlfriend *Michelle. I sat on the couch thinking, “I can’t be mad, we were never dating, we are just friends”. After about 30 minutes of Michelle marking her territory with every statement. I told Michelle it was nice to meet her and I exited stage left. He followed me out to the car and spun me around and said, “I am so sorry”. My reply was a simple, “be happy”. I got in my car and drove to my parents house. It was the first time in all the time we had known each other that we had left each other without giving the other a hug.

I didn’t speak or hear from Alex again for almost 9 years when he and his daughter showed up at my brothers house. He entered the house and walked to me and gave me a hug just like no time had passed. It was a nice feeling. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. And we did, sporadically.

Fast forward 5 years later. Alex is married and I am engaged. Neither of us is happy and Facebook makes it easy for us to connect daily. So we start talking about any and everything; just like we had done in the earlier years. He told about his marriage and how it was something he never should have done and I told him that my fiancee was not going to marry me yet I was staying like a fool (that is a story for another blog). Then he said three things that changed everything…. (1) he was moving back to town and (2) he was in love with me, had always been and wanted to see where it could go when he came home, oh yeah (3) he was getting a divorce. Oh yeah...just to let you know my fiancee and I were just roommates by this point!

So fast forward a year and a lot of conversations via Facebook and phone where he professes his love for me, tells me that he was always attracted to me but never knew how to approach the subject or if he wanted to risk our connection and friendship. This all lead up to the day he walked into my brother’s apartment, past everyone, straight to my arms and plants a long sweet kiss on me.

Usually this would be the part where I tell you that we had a great night that lead to us failing deeper in love and living happily ever after…..NOT!!!! I could tell you that but I would be lying. What actually happened was that after that night I helped him move, helped him get his divorce finalized and help him get joint custody of his daughter than one day he said, “I’ll call you on Sunday so we can go to dinner”….. I hadn’t heard from him since, until this moment. It had been about three years since that statement and now he stood before me….with a wedding ring on his finger. REALLY?????

“Can I sit down”, he asked. “Why?”, I responded.
“I just want to talk to you”, he stated. “Why?”, I responded again.
“I want to apologize”, he replied, “Why?”, I responded one more time.
He sat.

He dropped his head and explained that he was a coward and was ashamed of how he used me as a rebound to get through what was going on with he and Michelle. He explained, “I have always been attracted to you and wanted to come home to that comfort and how you always took care of me. But when I got here and finally got the divorce I just wanted to be unattached and I didn’t know how to tell you that without feeling like I had led you on, so I just didn’t say anything”. I sat sipping on the drink he had sent me lamenting on what I was going to say when he was finished and thinking at the same time, “damn this man is sexy”. He went on for fifteen minutes about how he was now married to a great woman and that he missed me as a friend. After he finished his spill he asked if I had any questions or wanted to say anything. I responded by saying, “be happy” and turned to be continue to listen to the music.

He asked me to look at him and he continued, “I just want us to be friends and I know that it might take some time for you to forgive me but I am willing to wait”. I finished my drink and looked him in those beautiful light brown eyes and said, “We are not friends. Friends don’t do to each other what you did to me. I was apparently disposable in your life and that is okay. I pray that you are happy and that everything continues to fall into place. But all I can wish you is happiness and a great life; but I will not be a part of it. You saw to that”. I then got up to walk away. He got up and grabbed my arm and said, “I am so sorry”. I looked at him and said, “Yes you are, have a good life”. I broke the hold and walked toward to bar. 

When I got to the bar I asked Chris, “is he gone?” Chris confirmed that he was. I told Chris the story of who Alex was to me. His response was, “oh now you want to speak? I think not”. My sentiments exactly Chris.

Funny how life works out sometimes. But you can only play the fool for so long before you just let those who keep you in that space, go. Alex and I have some serious history and I will cherish the moments we have that are ours and ours alone. But that is where it ends.

The music fade out as I walked to my car, Sentimental Mood, plays….how apropos…one of our favorite song.


*Name was changed

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


The End & The Beginning....

I have always those loved the month of December.

When I was growing up my grandmother (special hello to Glory T, my Nana) would always tell me that December was the month of Reflection and Renewal. I truly did not understand that until I was about 20 years old.

December is the month that you are offered the opportunity to look back at the other eleven and see what you have learned and what you still haven’t quite grasped yet. Hopefully you will make the necessary adjustments so that the next year you are making progress not still standing where you are now.

I have never really made New Years Resolutions but I have made Necessary Changes Lists (NCL). This year was no different and again I have fallen short of a lot of what was on my list. I am proud that I accomplished some of my goals. So in the next year I have some things I need to tweek and other things I just need to do. Procrastination is the enemy of accomplishment and I have allowed Mr. Procras (yeah that is procrastination’s name) to derail Ms. Success, just like a man! *laughing* no seriously, I have and will do better.

So as this year comes to an end I will do what my Nana always tells me, “Take what is good in this year and apply it to the next. Take what did not work and change it. And those things that could have worked had you actually attempted them… Go for it!”.

So I own my mistakes…

So I recognize my faults, flaws, and failures…

So I celebrate my accomplishments…

So I pray for guidance…

So I ask for understanding…

So I am thankful for my blessings (Family, Friends, Health & Wealth)

So I go into 2014 with anticipation, with old and new goals and with the determination to make the best of every day that the Lord blesses me. Drafting my NCL in my head as I am typing this.

How will you exit this year and enter 2014….how will you end and begin again????


Monday, December 2, 2013

30 Days of Thankfulness

For the last three years my Facebook friends and I have taken the month of November and focused on how thankful we are for things in our lives. This year was no different. And yesterday I was re-reading what I was thankful for and it was interesting to me that I have said the same things every year. Which means that God continues to sustain, bless, fortify and allow His grace to cover me.
Trials and strife are necessary for us to look up and call His name. He has to remind us that without Him. nothing is possible. We are a comfortable people. When things are good we choose to take the credit for all that is right with our world and we forget that He brought us though so that we could tell the next person of His power, grace and mercy. But most of us, myself included, come through and say a quiet “God brought me through” when we should be screaming it. You know screaming like you are at a sporting event or a concert…you know how you get all excited about getting a gift and scream when you are surprised… that is the raw emotion that God deserves.
The word (that is the Bible for those who don’t know) says, “ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” James 4:3 (NIV). God asks you to come to Him with an open mind, a willing spirit, and a malleable heart; the rest He will handle.
When you are going through… Call on Him!
When you are getting everything you want… Call on Him!
As this year comes to a close I think I am most thankful for the ability to call on Him! Because without Him I would not have had 30 days of thankfulness!
Quiche Out \/ 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Like Minded People

...Birth of Great Ideas

When you get to have a conversation with people who understand you it is nice that you do not have to explain yourself over and over again. When you find like-minded people it is so refreshing.
For those of you who do not know I am a social worker by trade and by blessing. I was blessed to stumble into the profession and find my purpose in my work. Basically I found my niche. I love helping people, especially children. But to do this it truly takes a village.
So when I first started in the field I made it my business to forge as many meaningful relationships and connections as I could. And that practice has served me well. (Thanks Daddy for that lesson early in life). I can honestly pick up the phone and contact someone to help those in need. It is a good feeling to help.
Today I had a conversation with a clinician friend and another friend from the Department of Juvenile Justice about the state of our youth. I now work as a liaison with the court system and have been promoted to Program Administrator. In the New Year I am looking to start programs and make sure that the children and their families in this county have what they need to succeed. That is if they want it.
We brainstormed on how we could positively affect outcomes for families and children if we got into the homes to help not dictate. Most families in crisis do not want to be told what they are doing wrong. However they are open to changing the things that do not work. See how I did that? I just said the same things, two different ways and one of them was not condescending or hurtful. It’s all about how you approach and interact with these families. You have to meet them where they are not where you want them to be.
So today a simple conversation with likeminded people gave birth to numerous ideas about how things can be done to make sure that those who want the help can access the help.
So here we go…. I will keep you posted on how this all places out…
Gooday Blogville

Thursday, November 21, 2013

I Want 2 B a Mom!

 Today I received paperwork from an Adoption agency.

Yes, I inquired about the possibility of me being an adoptive parent. I would love to be a mother, in the true sense of the word.
I have been blessed to have stepped into the role for those whose children were placed in foster care. I remain connected to my kids but it’s not the same as nurturing a child that you call your own. Someone I can love, someone that loves me back, someone whose personality I have a hand in molding, someone God has seen fit to allow me to share space and time with.
Right now you are asking why I have not had kids of my own, or maybe you are assuming that I cannot have children. Well first off you all need to stop make and ass of out of you...not me. But if you must know, yes I am able to have children. I have had all the tests and the doctors said it would be harder but I can still bare children. So why do I not have children, I guess the best answer is that God has not seen fit to allow me to get pregnant. I could say it wasn’t me and it was my ex’s issue but there is no reason to speculate. or speak about old relationships and his lack or...oh I'm sorry I got lost in that thought. So I am going to say, maybe God just didn’t think it would be right to bring a child into a relationship that He knew wasn’t going to work. But I digress.
I never saw my life without children. My parents would love to grandparents, my sister would love to be an aunt, my grandmother would love to see a great-grandchild and I would love to continue my family name. But it hasn’t happened yet.  Now in my mid 30’s, I am looking for that fulfillment and that connection with a child. I want to share the Love that God has placed in me. Because of my profession I am aware that there are a lot of children out there that are in need of a great family. Though it is just me I can truly love a child for two people.
So I have a telephone interview with the agency in January. Got some things to work on between now and then and then I will be on track to make something happen. Make something great happen in my life and in the life of the child that God is looking to bless me with.
I have been praying that the Lord blesses me with a child and also with a great guy to round out my family.  I have all the faith in the world that God will show up and show out. He said, “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:  For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened” Matthew 7:7.
Just like anyone else who wants a child, I am terrified to be a parent; especially in this day and time. But I am giving it to God because He has the power to make things happen in my life. So I am giving it all to GOD!
I’ll keep you posted and I ask you to keep me in your prayers.
Peace Blogville


Monday, October 28, 2013

Doing Pretty Good!

Goodday BlogVille,

I have been doing pretty good with all the changes in my life.

Not all the news has been good news but I will cover that in another blog post. Today is about focusing on the good things that have happened in my life in the last three months,

So I hold on to the fact that I have lost 11 pounds and continue to workout to get to my goal of 25 by Christmas.

I have started school and as of right now am holding on to my 4.0 grade point average... Yes, I have only completed one class but I am still holding on to that as a positive (Small Wins!!).

Was ecstatic that I got to hangout with my Bridgeforth family in Memphis and St. Louis. Got the opportunity to see my Aunt and cousins who I haven't seen in almost 20 years. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!  And we should never let time go that long without seeing each other. Thankful for Facebook, that it has allowed us to connect on a daily basis and remain connected now. In 2009, I started a Facebook page called the The Bridgeforth Family. This has allowed me to find aunts and uncles that I didn't know about. Apparently my grandfather and great uncles were rolling stones and have kids in other area codes. But hey that just makes my family larger. We are at 274 members right now and growing.

I have two more things to accomplish this year... start rebuilding my credit and plan a great getaway.

So again, I think I am doing pretty good... with the help, the Grace, and the blessing of an awesome God...I am still standing and here to make the next day count. Have a struggled...shoot I am struggling right now... but all is well with the world because I know that God's got my back and my struggle is temporary and His Grace is sufficient.

Be easy BlogVille... see on the flipside!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Slow Progress and the New Motivation

There has been very slow progress in my weight lose journey. And that is completely my fault. No excuses here. I just have to do better. So I got up and meditated on the fact that without the right thought process I will continue to be stagnated and not accomplish anything. 

So I went out and paid money for a dress that is two sizes too small and somewhat form fitting so it will tell on me if I don't complete my goal. What goal you ask? 

GOAL: Well the goal is to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. That is exactly 5 months away. I have lost and maintained a 25 pound weight loss before and I am now attempting the next 25. 

ULTIMATE GOAL: The ultimate goal is 75 pounds; which will put me at my ideal weight. Please don't get it wrong. I am happy in my skin. But I just want a little less skin. 

THE PLAN: So what is the plan? The plan is to get back on my workouts and my eating habits. August 1st I begin a Workout and Eating Clean Challenge along with a group of friends (Hey #TeamFIT)...gotta have that accountability partner. I am actively using the My Fitness Pal application on my phone to count my calorie intake.My calorie intake for a day is I have to watch what I eat. I have challenged myself to working out five days... and will work to actually go everyday. I will continue to take part in the Black Girls Run! Challenges and try my darnedest to make it to some of their weekly runs. I will take a least two aerobics classes at the gym per month. (SN: I don't like people watching me when I am working out... so this is a big step). The big hurdle is going to be the food. I am an convenience eater. I eat whats handy and whats quick. With this challenge I will have to prepare for meals and not do what is convenient but do what is healthy.

So I am starting this week trying to get my head right for next week. On Sunday, July 21, I completed the Running Nerds Virtual Marathon & 5K Treadmill Challenge. And actually PR'd (that mean "Personal Record" for you non-runners) at 49 min &.45 sec on the Treadmill. 
Now if I can only get that to translate to pavement. 
Its completely different animal... one that I have not tamed yet. 

So with this new found motivation I am all gong-ho to tackle my weight and also focus on finding things that add to my happiness. So I will continue to work on Preserving My Sexy!!