Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Now He Wants To Speak

Today I went to out for a drink…well really for some good music. I put on some tight black pants, a form fitting sweater and some black boots and went out to enjoy some time by myself.

I sat down and the bartender came to give me a hug. Before you ask, the bartender is my friend Chris. So after I get a nice Martini I take a sit at my table. I wouldn’t call myself a regular but I know a few people in the space.

I get a few looks as I make my way to my seat and it is always nice to know that you are still attractive to the male gender. The band started playing a nice jazz melody and I take it all in.

Chris bring me a drink and said, “hey there is a dude at the bar who wanted you to have this”. Chris brought me an Amaretto Sour, my favorite. Few people know about my preference so whoever sent the drink had to know me. Chris said the guy said he knew me but hadn’t seen me in years. Just so you know... I know a lot of people. But call only a few of them friend. And I don’t break bread with people I do not like or consider friends. So whoever this was had to know me well. I told Chris to tell him thank you and I continued to enjoy the music.

About ten minutes passed and a man approached my table. When I looked up I felt a wave of anger roll over me.

For you to understand this I would have to give you a little background. About 22 years ago I met this guy through my brother named *Alex. Well Alex and I became very close. I mean we hung out everyday, talked books, music, and future plans. We went to college and lost touch. Then reunited when he dropped out of school and came home. I used to come home from college and hangout with him at his apartment. We had a strange yet very strong connection that could have been seen as an attraction. We had one thing that we never did. We never left each other without giving the other a hug. It was our thing.

So one weekend I came home and stopped by the apartment and a girl answered the door. I asked if Alex was there and he came out of the room. When he saw me he looked surprised and his gaze shot to the floor. The girl who answered the door said, “Baby you have a visitor”. He asked me in and introduced me to his girlfriend *Michelle. I sat on the couch thinking, “I can’t be mad, we were never dating, we are just friends”. After about 30 minutes of Michelle marking her territory with every statement. I told Michelle it was nice to meet her and I exited stage left. He followed me out to the car and spun me around and said, “I am so sorry”. My reply was a simple, “be happy”. I got in my car and drove to my parents house. It was the first time in all the time we had known each other that we had left each other without giving the other a hug.

I didn’t speak or hear from Alex again for almost 9 years when he and his daughter showed up at my brothers house. He entered the house and walked to me and gave me a hug just like no time had passed. It was a nice feeling. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. And we did, sporadically.

Fast forward 5 years later. Alex is married and I am engaged. Neither of us is happy and Facebook makes it easy for us to connect daily. So we start talking about any and everything; just like we had done in the earlier years. He told about his marriage and how it was something he never should have done and I told him that my fiancee was not going to marry me yet I was staying like a fool (that is a story for another blog). Then he said three things that changed everything…. (1) he was moving back to town and (2) he was in love with me, had always been and wanted to see where it could go when he came home, oh yeah (3) he was getting a divorce. Oh yeah...just to let you know my fiancee and I were just roommates by this point!

So fast forward a year and a lot of conversations via Facebook and phone where he professes his love for me, tells me that he was always attracted to me but never knew how to approach the subject or if he wanted to risk our connection and friendship. This all lead up to the day he walked into my brother’s apartment, past everyone, straight to my arms and plants a long sweet kiss on me.

Usually this would be the part where I tell you that we had a great night that lead to us failing deeper in love and living happily ever after…..NOT!!!! I could tell you that but I would be lying. What actually happened was that after that night I helped him move, helped him get his divorce finalized and help him get joint custody of his daughter than one day he said, “I’ll call you on Sunday so we can go to dinner”….. I hadn’t heard from him since, until this moment. It had been about three years since that statement and now he stood before me….with a wedding ring on his finger. REALLY?????

“Can I sit down”, he asked. “Why?”, I responded.
“I just want to talk to you”, he stated. “Why?”, I responded again.
“I want to apologize”, he replied, “Why?”, I responded one more time.
He sat.

He dropped his head and explained that he was a coward and was ashamed of how he used me as a rebound to get through what was going on with he and Michelle. He explained, “I have always been attracted to you and wanted to come home to that comfort and how you always took care of me. But when I got here and finally got the divorce I just wanted to be unattached and I didn’t know how to tell you that without feeling like I had led you on, so I just didn’t say anything”. I sat sipping on the drink he had sent me lamenting on what I was going to say when he was finished and thinking at the same time, “damn this man is sexy”. He went on for fifteen minutes about how he was now married to a great woman and that he missed me as a friend. After he finished his spill he asked if I had any questions or wanted to say anything. I responded by saying, “be happy” and turned to be continue to listen to the music.

He asked me to look at him and he continued, “I just want us to be friends and I know that it might take some time for you to forgive me but I am willing to wait”. I finished my drink and looked him in those beautiful light brown eyes and said, “We are not friends. Friends don’t do to each other what you did to me. I was apparently disposable in your life and that is okay. I pray that you are happy and that everything continues to fall into place. But all I can wish you is happiness and a great life; but I will not be a part of it. You saw to that”. I then got up to walk away. He got up and grabbed my arm and said, “I am so sorry”. I looked at him and said, “Yes you are, have a good life”. I broke the hold and walked toward to bar. 

When I got to the bar I asked Chris, “is he gone?” Chris confirmed that he was. I told Chris the story of who Alex was to me. His response was, “oh now you want to speak? I think not”. My sentiments exactly Chris.

Funny how life works out sometimes. But you can only play the fool for so long before you just let those who keep you in that space, go. Alex and I have some serious history and I will cherish the moments we have that are ours and ours alone. But that is where it ends.

The music fade out as I walked to my car, Sentimental Mood, plays….how apropos…one of our favorite song.


*Name was changed

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


The End & The Beginning....

I have always those loved the month of December.

When I was growing up my grandmother (special hello to Glory T, my Nana) would always tell me that December was the month of Reflection and Renewal. I truly did not understand that until I was about 20 years old.

December is the month that you are offered the opportunity to look back at the other eleven and see what you have learned and what you still haven’t quite grasped yet. Hopefully you will make the necessary adjustments so that the next year you are making progress not still standing where you are now.

I have never really made New Years Resolutions but I have made Necessary Changes Lists (NCL). This year was no different and again I have fallen short of a lot of what was on my list. I am proud that I accomplished some of my goals. So in the next year I have some things I need to tweek and other things I just need to do. Procrastination is the enemy of accomplishment and I have allowed Mr. Procras (yeah that is procrastination’s name) to derail Ms. Success, just like a man! *laughing* no seriously, I have and will do better.

So as this year comes to an end I will do what my Nana always tells me, “Take what is good in this year and apply it to the next. Take what did not work and change it. And those things that could have worked had you actually attempted them… Go for it!”.

So I own my mistakes…

So I recognize my faults, flaws, and failures…

So I celebrate my accomplishments…

So I pray for guidance…

So I ask for understanding…

So I am thankful for my blessings (Family, Friends, Health & Wealth)

So I go into 2014 with anticipation, with old and new goals and with the determination to make the best of every day that the Lord blesses me. Drafting my NCL in my head as I am typing this.

How will you exit this year and enter 2014….how will you end and begin again????


Monday, December 2, 2013

30 Days of Thankfulness

For the last three years my Facebook friends and I have taken the month of November and focused on how thankful we are for things in our lives. This year was no different. And yesterday I was re-reading what I was thankful for and it was interesting to me that I have said the same things every year. Which means that God continues to sustain, bless, fortify and allow His grace to cover me.
Trials and strife are necessary for us to look up and call His name. He has to remind us that without Him. nothing is possible. We are a comfortable people. When things are good we choose to take the credit for all that is right with our world and we forget that He brought us though so that we could tell the next person of His power, grace and mercy. But most of us, myself included, come through and say a quiet “God brought me through” when we should be screaming it. You know screaming like you are at a sporting event or a concert…you know how you get all excited about getting a gift and scream when you are surprised… that is the raw emotion that God deserves.
The word (that is the Bible for those who don’t know) says, “ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” James 4:3 (NIV). God asks you to come to Him with an open mind, a willing spirit, and a malleable heart; the rest He will handle.
When you are going through… Call on Him!
When you are getting everything you want… Call on Him!
As this year comes to a close I think I am most thankful for the ability to call on Him! Because without Him I would not have had 30 days of thankfulness!
Quiche Out \/